The 4 types of Ineffective Apologies

Personal foreword:
From observation, it’s not common to see older and/or more senior crewmates not apologising (or refused) for their mistakes. This may create discomfort among the more junior crewmates and foster a culture of uncountability for their own mistakes. Personal suggestion, always sincerely apologise straightforwardly regardless of whether the apology is accepted or not. This knowledge will serve you well in both personal and work life.

The following is taken from Harvard Business Review’s article:

It’s hard to admit our transgressions – to look someone in the eye and offer a sincere apology. But apologies are essential for repairing relationships in the workplace. They show that you value the relationship and that other person’s point of view.

But as I’ve learned from researching this topic, apologising isn’t easy, and many people do it only part way, insincerely, or not at all. And in doing so, they miss out on key opportunities for relationship repair. With this in mind, let’s take a quick tour of four common forms of ineffective apologising I’ve noticed in my work. See if any of them resonate with your experience.

1. The Empty Apology.
“I’m sorry. I said I’m sorry.” The empty apology is all form but no substance. It’s what you say to someone when you know you need to apologise, but are so annoyed or frustrated that you can’t muster even a modicum of real feeling to put behind it. So you go through the motions, literally saying the words, but not meaning it. And that ends up being pretty clear to the person receiving the message.

2. The Excessive Apology.
“I’m so sorry! I feel so bad. I’m so sorry. Is there anything I can do? I feel so bad about this…” In theory, apologising is meant to rectify a wrong and rebuilt a damaged relationship. But with excessive apologies, you do no such thing. This tactic instead has the perverse effect of drawing the attention to your own feelings, rather than to what you’ve done to another person.

The excessive apology can come across in a couple different ways. One type is when you insert so much emotion it seems over-the-top for the situation. You forget to distribute copies in advance of a meeting, and you’re on the ground begging for forgiveness. Another form is when you apologise too many times for the transgression you’ve committed. You don’t grovel, but you do apologise four, five, six times – indirectly begging the other person to tell you it’s OK. In either case, your apology is ultimately more focused on you, rather than the person you’ve harmed or repairing the relationship, which defeats the original purpose of an apology.

3. The Incomplete Apology.
“I’m sorry that this happened.” Sometimes your apology is edging towards effective and appropriate, but it just doesn’t quite hit the mark. Those who study apologising for a living suggest that an effective apology has three key components: taking responsibility for your role in a situation or event, and expressing regret; asking forgiveness; and promising it won’t happen again (or that you’ll at least try to prevent it in the future). The incomplete apology touches on a few of these elements, but not all. For example, you might take partial responsibility for your role, but not express regret or ask forgiveness. Or you might express some regret for the circumstances of the other person, but not admit your role. (“I’m sorry that you feel this way.”) Either way, the apology is incomplete – and so too is its likely effectiveness.

4. The Denial.
“This simply wasn’t my fault.” Finally, sometimes your ego gets the best of you and you simply don’t apologise at all. Perhaps you’re so frustrated or angry that instead of apologising, you defend, deny, or self-protect. You grit you teeth, dig into you own worldview, and deny culpability. Because of how hard it is to admit guilt, for some of us, this is as far as we’ll ever get. But as much as it might feel strong in the moment, denial does little to repair a fractured relationship and if anything, likely exacerbates it.

In order to apologise effectively, you need to develop the capacity to control your emotions and stay humble and focused on the experience of the other person, even when you might be seething inside or unsettled with guilt. It’s not easy to do, especially when emotions are hot. If you feel like emotion might get the best of you, you should take a break. You only get one chance to make an apology without coming across as excessive, so make it count.

If it’s still hard to calm your emotions, step outside your own experience and consider the other person’s perspective. Work to understand it, and in doing so, you might find it’s easier to ultimately deliver that heartfelt apology. Stay focused as much as possible on the reason you’re doing this hard work of apologising in the first place: presumably because you care about the other person and the relationship.

Finally, apologising also typically requires some commitment to personal change. If you’re truly apologetic about what you did, you’ll want to commit to improvement – and that may be outside your comfort zone. If you’ve failed to support your workers by providing them with adequate resources for them to do their jobs, take concrete steps toward rectifying the wrong. Keep it in the forefront of your mind. Make the new behaviour part of your routine. Even commit to change publicly to encourage accountability. In this way, apologising can not only repair a relationship, but it can also become a powerful catalyst for your own personal growth.

Pay attention to the pitfalls, put aside your ego, and keep your eye on the ultimate prize: building and sustaining a positive relationship.